Jokes

[Brad]

New Courses that may be added in the near future

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Wednesday OCTOBER 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day ....
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor

[tripps]

As for number 7, Brad The answer is NO...........

[Wade79]

I think number 6 should be renamed to "How to be quiet - commercials or not!"

[Earl]

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay.. . now what ?"

[Earl]

Proof that men are better friends than women:

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Brad]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
" What was that for?" he asked
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants poket with the name Laura Lou written on it", she replied.
" Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one horses i bet on " , he explained.
" Oh, honey, I"m sorry"
She said.
" I should have Known there was a good explanation"

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet,which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked
"What in the world was that for ? "

She replied.

"Your horse called"

[Earl]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing in pertiklar,' the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills , I seen a gang a bikers threatenin' a young lady. I tolt 'em to leave 'er alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I goes up to the biggest and most tattooed feller an' smacked 'im in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped the ring outta his nose an' threw it on the ground. I says, 'Now, git the hell outa here or I'll kick the shi* outta all y'all!' "

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago...'

[WildmanSC]

Love this one:

Who’s the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days…

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…

Just an Asshole

[WildmanSC]

dad told me this one the other day while i was doin some work for him. thought it was funny.

During the middle of the night, a burglar broke in to someones home. Not wanting to bring attention, he left the lights off as he plundered through the homeowners things. While searching, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued on his quest for valuables. Again, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you"! Startled, he turns on the light and there is a parrot in the corner of the room. Seeming surprised, he asked the bird what his name was. The bird replied, "Moses". The burglar busted out laughing! "What kind of owners name the bird Moses"? The bird replied, "The same kind that names their pitbull Jesus"!

[Earl]

dad told me this one the other day while i was doin some work for him. thought it was funny.

During the middle of the night, a burglar broke in to someones home. Not wanting to bring attention, he left the lights off as he plundered through the homeowners things. While searching, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued on his quest for valuables. Again, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you"! Startled, he turns on the light and there is a parrot in the corner of the room. Seeming surprised, he asked the bird what his name was. The bird replied, "Moses". The burglar busted out laughing! "What kind of owners name the bird Moses"? The bird replied, "The same kind that names their pitbull Jesus"!

It's an old one, but still funny.